Not Everything's Okay
by Charli.Scorose.Love
Summary: Okay was their special word. He was her special person. Now, he's gone... One-shot of Hazel's thoughts and feelings before and after Gus's death and funeral. Hazel POV.


A/N: I literally just read Fault In Our Stars, and I absolutely LOVED it! So this is my first Fault In Our Stars one shot. It's in Hazel's POV, and its basically before he died, after and his funeral, and all her thoughts and feelings. Hope you like it, but I warn you, its kind of depressing...

Augustus is dying. We all know now that he is days away, about two weeks, only a fortnight away, at most, from dying, and we are holding him a prefuneral. We are each making a speech for him, eating cake and drinking coke, just talking about how amazing he is. I love him so, so much. Isaac said his eulogy and then I began to tell mine. I was crying really hard by the end of it, because I knew he was dying, slipping away from his life, my life, just because a death-illness that he thought he had gotten rid of years ago had come back to haunt him, work its way into him and then, just when no one expected, slowly yet quickly kill him. The doctors think he has about a week left before... Before... He passes on to the afterlife. We've talked about the afterlife before. What we believe, and what we don't. So why not? Maybe there is an afterlife, and he maybe he will be there when I die. For me.

He has died. Its been a few days since he died, but I'm still crying. It was going to happen, we knew it would be any day now, but its still a shock. I am crying so much, and my parents don't know what to do with me. I don't want them to. He was... My best friend, the love of my life. He was so perfect. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone quite like him. To think, if mom hadn't made me go to Support Group, I never would have met him. I wouldn't have gone to Amsterdam. There are about a million things I wouldn't have done without him. He was... He was my star...

I loved Augustus. Yesterday, I read the eulogy he wrote me, and it was so, so beautiful. I knew he loved me, just as much as I love him, maybe more, but it proved to me just how much.

Now, I have decided not to cry, because I know he wouldn't have wanted me to. He would have wanted me to have gotten on with my life, which is hard, but I think I can do it. We have his proper funeral in a few days, and I'm giving a speech. His own eulogy. He asked me to, so I will, no matter how hard that is. Also, Isaac is giving his own speech, which I'm helping him with, because he isn't so eloquent, especially when it comes to his best friend.

I think everyone loved Gus. He was just perfect, and got on with everyone. Before reading that eulogy, I never knew why he fell for me. I'm just a girl with cancer, and I'm not exactly the most popular girl I know. I'm not beautiful- at least I didn't think so. He thought I was. Am. That makes me feel rushed up inside, as well as kind of sad. He didn't deserve for his cancer to come back. No one ever does.

Today is the funeral. I have prepared my speech, my eulogy, for him. He's hoping to attend as a ghost. I hope he's there. Gus... I'm already crying... I loved him so much. It's time for my speech now.

Taking a deep breath, I begin. It's kind of like what I said at his pre-funeral, but it's different, too.

"I'm Hazel. Gus was, and probably always will be, the love of my life. I don't need to tell you our love story, because if you were important, he will have told you, and if you weren't, it shouldn't matter to you. We had an obsession with a book, annoyed a writer who turned out to be horrible, and went through suffering together. His best friend, Gus and I went through a lot in these few months we've been friends, and its been fun, sad, amazing and depressing. I've loved it, and I loved him. He didn't deserve to die at all, for his cancer to come back, and I suppose no one does. I am so sorry to his family, and to everyone like me who loved or knew him..."

I was crying buckets by the end of that. Everyone was wiping away tears and silently clapping me. I said one more sentence into the microphone.

"And I just hope, my love, that everything's okay, okay?"

No one understood, but they still clapped and cried. But I knew that HE knew what I meant from that sentence.

Afterwards, everyone cried and picked at food. Everyone crowded around me, and Gus's mom and dad, all going "oh I know how you feel" and "I'm so sorry for your loss." I think its strange how people say that. Its so formal, especially since some one they actually knew has just died. I always thought Gus deserved more of a wake-type service, with cake and beer, the sharing of memories about him. But then, he deserved a lot of things. And he didn't deserve some too. Life doesn't always go as planned, I suppose. Especially for cancer kids- it's hard to plan life around an illness.

And that's the fault in our stars. Not letting people live that deserve life. Letting people live that deserve death. I will never get the world or anything that is in it. Even the stars. Because everything isn't okay, okay?

A/N: Its not very good, but I loved the book so much when I finished it like 10 minutes again, so I just wanted to write something about it. I hope you like it. Review, okay?


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